The Sacrament
by Shenya
Summary: It's Yugi's 18th birthday... And Yami is absolutely at loss as to what to do, how to behave. Depressive thoughts seem to be his only companion now. But are they? Not your usual birthdayfic.


DISCLAIMER: Nope. Still don't own Yugioh. Perhaps you should be glad that I don't....  
  
First and most important thing: this fic is dedicated to Seventh Sage. Happy birthday!! Hyvää syntymäpäivää!! ^.~ If you didn't guess already, that last part is Finnish. Oh, and sorry, I think I managed to write more angst than fluff again... *sigh* I'm not responsible for this crazy idea to write a fic as a present! I'm not! Yugi made me do it! *points at Yugi, who's standing a bit to the side and looking startled*  
  
YY/Y... It's Yugi's 18th birthday... And Yami is absolutely at loss as to what to do. Depressive thoughts seem to be his only companion now. But are they?  
  
Thanks to Betrayal, who gave me the basic idea for this fic, and cheered me on with new ideas when I got stuck. I was completely at loss as to what I should write! The bits of lyrics (notice that I didn't use the whole song) are from 'The Sacrament' by HIM. I don't own them either.  
  
The Sacrament  
  
Walking through the darkness... Walking through the night... I had come upon a startling revelation merely a few dozen minutes ago. My little hikari, my darling light, had his birthday tomorrow. Or would it be today? I didn't know exactly, but it was getting late. But how could I have forgotten?  
  
I had been with him for so long now, and I couldn't even remember his birthday... It made me feel worthless. I didn't deserve someone like him.  
  
I tried to shrug off that thought. It had come to me increasingly much in the last days... I didn't know why, it just did.  
  
Sending a tentative thought to Yugi's Soulroom, I noticed him to be fast asleep. No wonder, he had had a busy day. It always seemed to be like that nowadays. I never really had time to just be with _him_, alone. Like we used to. When had things changed? I couldn't remember. It seemed like forever.  
  
He still talked to me, he shared some of his secrets, but we didn't spend that much time together. Maybe I was becoming past to him? Maybe he thought that he had merely been a child when he met me, and now he thought it was childish to be with your other half? I didn't know. There were so many things I didn't know about him now. It pained me not to know him thoroughly.  
  
I wanted so badly to know him... To be with him, to talk with him, to love him. But that wasn't possible, was it? No, it would never be possible. Not anymore. Perhaps it had never been... Perhaps I had merely deceived myself in thinking it could have been, sometimes.  
  
I never wanted to lose him... I existed now only because of him, he was my world. Couldn't he see it? Couldn't he feel the emotions whirling inside me? Did he feel close to me, like I did to him? No, he probably didn't. Otherwise he wouldn't act so distant whenever we were alone. As few as those moments were.  
  
---I feel you breathe so far from here/I feel your touch so close and real-- -  
  
The nights... The nights were bad. The darkness, the loneliness; it had the power to make me think too deeply, and fall to those thoughts, feeling like I could never get up again. Get up to the world of light. Get up to my light. Yugi.  
  
The dawn was far off. I couldn't sense even a drop of glistening light in this dark abyss. The dark abyss of my thoughts.  
  
Veiled in dust, cold air kissing the ancient memories goodbye... My thoughts were going along the same lines as in all the other nights. Only now I had the added burden of his awaiting birthday... He'd turn 18 years. I knew he had been waiting for it. I knew he was a bit nervous about the whole day, I don't know why, though. This was one thing he didn't bother sharing with me.  
  
I would never invade his mind, I would never touch his thoughts if I didn't have his permission. Sometime in the past, I had had that permission, on nearly every thought. Not so anymore. He was closing himself away from me. I felt left away from his life. I felt lonely.  
  
When we first acknowledged the other soul of us, when we noticed that there indeed _was_ two of us, we had made plans. We had thought on the future. The two of us, together. Together in the future, together until the end of time. So we had thought. It was obviously not coming true.  
  
But then again, doesn't everyone go through that? To witness their plans wither away as the time passes, cruel and uncaring. To grieve on the past... It isn't good to be stuck in the past, I know. I just can't let go.  
  
I can never let go...  
  
Why is that? Why can't I live on without him? Why can't I be myself, away from him?  
  
Because I'm nothing without him. I do not exist without him. I must have my dreams. _Our_ dreams. I... Quite simply I think that the only way to the future for me lies within Yugi, my light in so many ways.  
  
---You know our sacred dream won't fail/the sanctuary tender and so frail---  
  
I sighed, looking around. This wasn't good. This definitely wasn't good. I was getting nowhere with this, merely repeating the same old stuff.  
  
I noticed the moon shining through from behind a tree, partially concealed by the vibrant leaves growing on the different-sized branches. The moon? Perhaps it was faith or something like that, the moon always seemed to show up at some point when someone's feeling depressed. I found it amusing.  
  
Twisting my mouth to something resembling a dry grin, I closed my eyes and retreated to my Soulroom. It was much more comfortable than the night-time streets, even with the ever-present darkness and the reminders of my earlier life. The one life that had been my own, when I was a whole person without needing someone else to complete me.  
  
I felt comfortable in my Soulroom. Yugi was near. Or at least his presence was here, his physical body was somewhere else. In the 'real world'. But this was real, too. This place that I had spent so much time in... If it wasn't real, then what would it be? Imagination?  
  
Was I simply a figment of Yugi's imagination, born from the powers of the Millennium Puzzle? I didn't think so. But who can truly say what the truth in this world is? Anything could be true. People just couldn't see it. After all, they all were only humans.  
  
Was I even a human? A spirit of some kind, certainly. But human? Maybe I had been. Maybe I was still. Maybe I merely imitated humans, trying desperately to be like them.  
  
No... People liked me, I had friends. It couldn't all be lies. Could people love me? As a friend, maybe, but as something more? I craved for Yugi's love.  
  
I freely admit it now, when it is too late. Too late, maybe too late to even try fixing it.  
  
---The sacrament of love/the sacrament of warmth is true/the sacrament is you---  
  
I wandered around, unable to stay still. Everywhere I went I encountered a feeling I couldn't place. It kept growing, no matter what I did. Where was it coming? Certainly not me... I didn't feel like this, the one single thing overriding everything else. My feelings came from several things at once, all of them piling up and I was unable to let go...  
  
Trying to keep it out, I concentrated on the gloom in the corners of my ancient Soulroom.  
  
It didn't work?  
  
Who...?  
  
Yugi!  
  
What was wrong? What could possibly make him feel this miserable? I materialized next to Yugi, in the 'real world'. Whatever that was.  
  
He was crying. Hadn't he been asleep?  
  
Violet eyes turned to look at me, praying for me to make him feel better. I had always been there to take care of him, no matter what we otherwise did. Always. As now.  
  
I sat down at the edge of the bed, gathering the lithe form of the boy in my arms. He squeezed me tightly, laying his head against my shoulder, still crying.  
  
I was at a complete loss. What had happened to him to make this happen? What was wrong with my aibou? I helplessly held him, whispering soothing words to his ears.  
  
---I hear you weep so far from here/I taste your tears like you're next to me---  
  
I don't know how long I sat there, but sometime in the small hours of the night he finally calmed down, exhausted. I couldn't blame him. What had he gone through when I hadn't been there with him?  
  
/It's my birthday.../  
  
//I know, aibou. It's the day finally//  
  
/But I cannot be glad of it./  
  
I stopped drawing lazy patterns at his back and looked at him.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
I didn't receive a response. He was quiet, sitting on the bed and leaning on me, hiding his face on my chest.  
  
"Did something happen? Did someone hurt you?"  
  
Still nothing. I was beginning to get frantic.  
  
/Something _did_ happen. I'm sorry. I only wanted to...I wanted to.../  
  
I had a feeling if he would have had the strength, he would have started weeping again. He was completely broken.  
  
//It's okay... I'm sure things will be better in the morning. You're just tired, and it's making the situation look worse. It will be okay.//  
  
/It won't be okay. It will never be okay again./  
  
I couldn't think of a proper response to that. My poor little hikari... I couldn't even help him in any way.  
  
/You know, I loved you once. I wish I had told you/  
  
I froze. Loved me? He had? I still loved him. I couldn't help it.  
  
//I see....//  
  
---The revelation is of hatred and fear---  
  
I sat and held Yugi gently, I couldn't think of anything else to do. My mind refused to work right.  
  
/I can't love you anymore, not after this. I can't feel. Yami, I can't feel!/  
  
If it was possible, my mind got into even more turmoil. I couldn't understand what he was implying. He was shirking it, but I could feel something from his mind... Something horrible. Something that would affect his whole life.  
  
I felt like crying myself.  
  
//One day, perhaps. One day you'll be able to feel again. Will you love me then? Will you be with me, like we once were, or even closer? Will you allow me to love you through this all?//  
  
There was a long silence from his mind.  
  
/Love me. But I don't think I will feel./  
  
---The sacrament of love/the sacrament of warmth is true/the sacrament is you---  
  
Perhaps... Perhaps some day, we'll be one. We'll be whole again.  
  
---  
  
AN: Hm. Yes. That's a quick one, if I may say so. And sad. But I needed to get it out soon. I hope you enjoyed it, despite all the mistakes I'm sure it has... Please review? 


End file.
